Who Am I? "92449"

No - this is not an attempt to solicit birthday greetings later this month.  Facebook has seen to that.  And by the way.  Who are all of those people listed for the week?  I would send out a greeting their way but half of the names are a bit unknown to me.

Actually, the title for this blog was obviously inspired by Les Miserables.  Jean Valjean in perfect pitch and vibrato announces his true essence - "Who am I?  246o1".  (That's not a typo.  He actually refers to the zero as "oh").  And as I was watching the movie, inspired by the play, inspired by the book, written by my hero, Victor Hugo, I was reminded of my own life.  With all of my faux pas and with all of my tres biens, I have finally come to terms with who am moi.

Funny.  In my studies of Freud and Erikson, I was expected to master certain phases of my life at a certain age and in a reasonable length of time.  Who knew that my particular genetics combined with my personality and my life experiences would lead me to a revelation short of my 64th birthday.

Now don't get me wrong.  I have some significant stressors that I deal with on a day to day basis.  And, come to think of it, my circumstances can really suck if I think about it too much.  And that is what I find so surreal about my situation.  I have not been emotionally affected at all.  My mood has been quite happy and content.  Under past "normal"  behaviors (meaning previous operational standards for me) I would be full of self-pity or looking for an anger management class.  No - I am not in denial.  And I do not use drugs or alcohol to self-medicate.  This is finally my "AHA" moment.

One of my most prized possessions is the innate ability to be other-oriented.  In my life, I have always cared more about what other individuals might think, might feel, or might be affected by an outcome.  And believe me, that can be a curse.  Getting the short end of the lollipop is not always healthy.  This can be a symptom of poor self-confidence (maybe in my younger days) or a neurosis in which the anxiety of standing up for myself or being assertive was not an outcome I was willing to accept.  It could be a sign of a martyr syndrome in which my altruistic endeavors would earn me points of some kind.

Thinking of other's needs before my own, for whatever reason, may have started out as an unhealthy influence on my behavior for the majority of my life, but folks, when you finally can control its reins, its lessons, and can understand the whole dynamics, it can finally become a blessing.

I can remember a time when I was 3 years old, standing in my crowded Camel or Pall Mall scented living room which happened to be on the second floor of my Pup-Pup's home.  We were one of the few families on 2nd avenue that owned this massive console that housed the tiniest TV screen.  My many relatives (and believe me when I say many - Mom was one of 7 siblings and Dad was one of 10) would gather on Sunday nights to watch Ed Sullivan.

So what does other-oriented have to do with the Campbell Clan?  Well, let me explain.  I would go up to everyone present and put my cheek against theirs.  No, I was not inventing a new form of Eskimo kissing.  I was actually needing to assure myself that they had an unobstructed view of the TV.  I guess this became annoying because I was often told to "Stop it, Elaine!"

Why would a 3 year old care?  It was not role modeled by my annoyed parents.  No one in that room was worried about anyone's ability to view the show but me.  And thus a seed that existed within me was given birth and continued to grow throughout my adult years.

I will not bore the reader with the million of examples that underlie its influence.  They could be as trivial as loving to eat the heal of a fresh baked loaf of bread but passing the basket as someone at the table loved it, too.  And though there were 2 heals, I would wonder if she wanted a second slice?  The first reason could be considered thoughtful, but the fact that I did not grab the second heal was down right neurotic.

The above was a simple lesson.  I now take the heal for heaven's sake.  No one will lose any sleep over this.  The most difficult lesson of all has everything to do with my writing this blog.  It is my confession.

The curse of being other-oriented and lacking the ability to express oneself in a healthy manner can lead to very harmful outcomes.

Somewhere along the line, you begin to feel the so-called deprivation that you may have experienced in thinking of others.  The prime example?  "What would my family do if I were to finally leave their father".  Yes, I am talking about the D word.

Well, I have become the boy who cried wolf because my first mention of the D word was 10 years ago.  No one took me seriously as I would end up dropping the attempt.  Why?  It was not the look on my grown children's faces or the resistance I faced with my spouse.  I can honestly say that something inside me made it impossible to see this action to its conclusion.  And there were times I would hate myself for giving in.  And I would look at other women, envying them for the ability to "get on with their lives".

I filed for a dissolutionment last Fall and moved out this past April.  Though I was able to see my family less often, I was blessed with the most beautiful sunsets.  Everything was in place.  Just waiting for the spouse to sign on the dotted line.  Waiting.....

Sometimes my heart, though filled with good intentions, tends to live in a fantasy world.  I still believe in Santa.  And I definitely believe in the magic of Disney.  I eat my pie from the opposite end so that I can make a wish on the corner.  I sleep with a "Ba-Ba" and fuze ball under my pillow.  (See previous blog.)

And my being alone with sunsets took a surprising turn of events.  My 2 year old grandson, Andrew, was confused why Ya-Ya was not "home".  And since my spouse picks him up from preschool everyday,  he began to look for me outside.  He found a large stone in the driveway to sit upon and would cry when not allowed to await my return.  I was told he often sat their for over 30 minutes.

So I began to stop by before heading to the sunset and was greeted by a little boy, sitting on a rock, waving his arms and kicking his legs when he heard my beep-beep.

Then came those Sundays when my children and their spouses used to head over to visit and eat dinner at the old homestead.  I missed that family time.  Yes - it can still be arranged.  As a matter-of-fact, they visited me in my new home.  They were as supportive as they could be.  Even my spouse came and helped to install a portable air conditioner that just didn't seem to work.  But it just wasn't the same.  Of course not.  It's not supposed to be.  And when the paper would be signed, there would be no fanfare.  I would just stop becoming the boy who cried wolf.  And my other-oriented self would finally be able to shout, "I did it".  And people would say, "I'm proud that you stood up for what you believed in".

Well you know what?  I am not an entity that stands alone.  I have a history with this family.  We survived losing a child.  We became stronger and dependent on one another.  Not in unhealthy ways but in nurturing ones.  I just never realized that.

When I am separated from this family, with all of our ups and downs,  my heart begins to develop a hole that it never had before - even with all of the heart aches.  Separation or altering the course of history is the only thing that has caused my heart to rip.  How could that be?

I would have been so embarrassed to hear others remark, "Elaine, I thought you knew what you were doing!"  I thought so, too.  But some of our greatest lessons are learned when we take that chance and we dance in the rain.

I have no words of wisdom for my AHA moment.  I only know that, given my heart and given my life's experiences, and even testing the waters of Lake Erie, I have learned the true meaning of happiness.  It is having a heart that knows that life is not perfect.  There will be joys and there will be sorrows.  But I do not want to endure them alone.  I now know that my heart will develop a rip or a tear if I ignore the feelings of the loved ones that God has so generously placed in my path.

You see, that 3 year old little girl knew it all along.  The needs of the whole far outweigh the needs of the few.  And this simple truth was planted in my heart by one who intended to challenge me throughout my life and to teach me the true meaning of Faith, of Love, of Devotion.

So, in short, I prefer to come home to a smiling boy sitting on a stone, or to a man who makes sure that the frig is stocked with Diet Pepsi.  I prefer to sleep on a couch for now and, do you know what?  I have never been more content.  I am at Peace.  My heart is whole and my mornings are filled with hope despite my evenings deprived of sunsets.

None of us know what the future may bring,  but whatever comes my way, I now know that I possess the Faith, the Love, and the Devotion to carry on.

Who am I?  Who am I?  I'm Elaine Arnold Campbell!